I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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