Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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