GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
