his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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