I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
