Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
They are going to name an STD after you.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
