I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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