I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
