She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
