HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
