your parents love me but you hate me
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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