I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
