Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
