I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
