I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Randomize
