hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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