Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
