I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
