I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
