I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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