I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
It's just like the Real World with babies
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
