Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
