No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
