It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
