You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
