Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
