four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Randomize
