I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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