Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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