I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
