dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
