the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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