Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
