Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
