If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
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