My underwear smells like fireworks.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
