so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
