Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
