I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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