i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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