I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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