Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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