I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
