I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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