next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
