i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
