Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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