i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
