Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
im holly from the hills drunk
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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