On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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