I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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