my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
